Charles Shaw to the Rescue

Things to look forward to after graduation…

charlesshawtotherescue — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 23:47:56 +0000

With graduation rapidly approaching in May, here are just a few of the perks to look forward to:

1. Jury Duty

Honestly though, I think I’ve used the excuse of being a student too many times. I think there’s a limit on how many times you can postpone it.

2. Life Without Medical Insurance

My dad’s insurance only covers me as long as I’m a student. Hope I don’t have a heart attack or get Swine Flu!

3. Paying Full Price for Movies

Is a life without student discount even worth living?

4. No Longer Using the Label of “Starving Student”

Now I’ll just be “Starving Unemployed”

5. Binge Drinking Becoming a Problem

Everyone binge drinks during college. After college, there’s another term for binge drinking… Alcoholism

Charles Shaw to the Rescue!!!

Zen Irony

charlesshawtotherescue — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 22:55:06 +0000

In my spare time I like to go through magazines and cut out pictures that inspire me to make unique photo collages. I was going through a recent edition of “Rolling Stone”, and saw an article about yoga. I’m a very visual person. I didn’t bother to even read the title of the article. I just started cutting out zen pictures that inspired me. It was a pretty long article, with pages and pages of peaceful pictures. My positive Chi was growing- or so I thought.

When I got to the last page of the article, my Chi climaxed into insanity. There was a full page photo of a deranged monk drowning this struggling college kid. Take that positive energy!

As it turns out the entire article was about this cult that targeted college students. It taught the youth that the fatigued feeling you get from starvation is a good and will enhance your Chi. It also taught that the feeling you get from nearly drowning will bring you closer to inner peace. Oh, and it taught yoga as a way of life.

I can’t believe I was cutting out pictures from an article about a cult to inspire me. There’s no better redeeming factor for a suicide cult than yoga!

Charles Shaw, rescue me from this zen insanity.

HI-NI…. Don’t laugh. It’s a serious threat

charlesshawtotherescue — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 01:40:30 +0000

Bear with me. I know you’re sick of the swine flu fad. Believe me, it’s a pandemic. The first time I saw the “swine flu” written out as H1-N1, I didn’t get it. Get vaccinated for hiney? Cure disease from your anal regions? I seriously thought it was a joke. Unfortunately I voiced my opinions about “butt vaccinations” too loudly in the lobby of my doctor’s office. A soccer mom reading “People” magazine overheard, and lectured me that it was a serious threat. I got glared at from an elderly woman sitting accross from me. Silly me for overlooking the threat of pandemic disease.

Things got more serious overtime. They gave out free swine flu vaccinations at my school, so I got one. I decided it was better to get one than to contract a rare disease.

The next morning I woke up feeling pretty lousy. Unfortunately for my own mental sanity, I’ve become quite the hypochondriac. It runs in the family. My mom’s a hypochondriac, my grandmother’s a hypochondriac, and her mother was before that. There’s nothing more beautiful than the genetic traits family member can bond over and share!

As a hypochondriac, I was instantly convinced I’d contracted the swine flu. Flu vaccinations are supposed to introduce a tiny amount of the disease into your body, so small that you easily fight it without becoming infected. This prevents future outbreaks of the disease (until the disease mutates into a maniacal monster and becomes a pandemic).

I convinced myself that my immune system was too weak to fight “Hiney”, and that I was going to die.

I didn’t die. I never even had the swine flu. I was just a little hungover.

Charles Shaw to the Rescue!

Whatever Did We Do Before Social Networking?

charlesshawtotherescue — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 01:06:06 +0000

Farmville has become a daily obsession. I spend way to much time planting and harvesting computer generated seeds. If you’ve never played it, don’t. The first time I played I thought it was stupid. Now I’m at level 32. I’m addicted to Farmville. They need to have F.A. meetings. Farmvillians Anonymous. Hello, my name is Stephanie and I’m a Farma-holic. Charles Shaw to the Rescue.

Charles Shaw Not to the Rescue

charlesshawtotherescue — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 22:33:19 +0000

A couple of weeks ago, there was a power outage while I was asleep. When I woke up the next morning all of the clocks were wrong. The power outage caused my alarm not to go off.

I awoke at 10:30. Unfortunately I had a final exam in my genetics class at 10:00.

I raced downstairs and out the front door at record speed. I didn’t get a chance to have breakfast, wash my face, or brush my teeth.

I explain the situation to my professor who is lenient, and allows me to take the final with her next class.

I go about my day, say hi to friends I see on campus, engage in group discussion during my interpersonal communications class, then return home.

After lunch, I go to brush my teeth. I open my mouth wide to see my beautiful pearly whites.

I rear back in horror. Much to my dismay, my pearly whites are stained dark purple from the red wine I had drank the night before. My lips are even a little purple. It looked pretty bad. I hadn’t noticed that morning since I was epically late.

I talked to professors, friends, colleagues, and members of the community with wine teeth. No one even told me!

Charles Shaw to the rescue? Or sabotage?

A Successful Failure

charlesshawtotherescue — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 22:06:26 +0000

It rarely rains in Southern California. In extreme cases, it pours.

About two weeks ago, I got a call back for a job interview doing internet marketing. Excited, I adorned myself in my best business attire.

As I walk to my car, it’s sprinkling outside. Nothing too drastic. The interview’s about a 20 minute drive from my house. As I merge onto the freeway, it starts to rain harder.

Because it rarely ever rains in Southern California, when it does no one knows how to drive in it! I tightly grip the steering wheel. Terrified my car’s going to hydroplane, I drive drastically below the speed limit. Cars rush past me.

The further I drive, the harder it starts to pour. I can barely even see out my window, and have classical music blasting on the radio to calm my nerves. Then to my dismay, traffic slows. Up ahead I see a police car swerving across lanes with sirens blaring.

“They better not be shutting down the freeway!” I thought to myself. My interview was in 15 minutes, and I wasn’t even halfway there yet!

They shut down the freeway. I couldn’t see the accident, but it must have been pretty bad. Probably one of the idiots driving 80mph in zero visibility.

Stuck on the freeway, I call the office to let them know about the predicament I’m in. I call five times, but keep getting directed to voicemail. I leave 3 messages, but keep trying to get through.

I never get through to the office. I sit for an hour on the freeway. It’s still pouring outside.

After an hour passes, the freeway reopens. I cautiously drive to the office.

Arriving at the office, I park on the wrong side of the building. I had no idea the entrance was on the other side. I grab my umbrella, resume, and cover letter. It’s still pouring rain and the wind is howling. As I quickly race to the door, my umbrella blows inside out. As I fight with my umbrella, I manage to soak myself. In an instant my experience and achievements on my resume are destroyed by the relentless rain.

Arriving at the office, I reach for the door. It’s locked. There’s a note taped to it.

“Sorry we missed you,” it reads. “I have another meeting scheduled I had to run to. I’ll call you to reschedule sometime later this week.”

They never rescheduled. Charles Shaw to the rescue.

Veggie Tales

charlesshawtotherescue — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 20:03:45 +0000

My little cousin’s decided that eating animals is cruel. She’s only 3, but she’s a great candidate for the new spokes-toddler for PETA. Much to my aunt’s dismay, she refuses to eat any meat.

Well, almost any meat. My cousin was visiting my grandmother, who served her chicken nuggets.

“Grandma, where do chicken nuggets come from?” asked my cautious cousin, careful not to accidently eat an animal.

Without hesitation, my grandmother answered “Vons”.

My little cousin’s a vegetarian. She won’t eat any animals, but she loves eating chicken nuggets. It’s okay. They’re not from chickens. They come from Vons.

I’m a vegetarian. That story upset me. Charles Shaw to the rescue!